how to invite yourself over to a guys house
I dont think Id send the same sort of can I drop in? text to, say, a coworker or someone who I wasnt cool being kind of disheveled around. I second the excellent advice and on a side note, that movie is hilarious. Ideally they text you when theyre on the way so you know when to be ready, so you can just be waiting for them anyway. The vast majority of pies are not baked to shame the nonbakers. ! like, uhh, at home because I thought the plans were canceled since you never got back to me.. 1. I like to be able to decline social invitations. *grrr* still stinging from getting stood up repeatedly by two separate people (for different events) last fall. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to this gathering. Sometimes we had a great time, or got to catch up quickly when both of us had been busy. i do not mean: we talked at work once and she didnt invite me to her wedding. My crapsack old car keeps eating up my GTFO Fund savings, which fills me with despair, as they grow so slowly on my tiny salary and I am drowning in debt to THREE colleges, now. Ive decided that the purpose of my houses mess is to make other people feel comfortable about their own houses mess. I didnt get one, so I didnt go. Distance communication makes explaining that Im doing something non-interruptible seem more polite and gives more hypothetical space for you to pretend I was actually doing something specific or about to run to an appointment rather than just not feeling sociable. organized? Weekend, so chance to sleep in and do chores. I thought I was so bad at reading people, but it turns out that Im completely average. LW says they considered this person their *best friend. Unfortunately, that was the one night that both of us had to work a weird evening shift, which was highly unusual (there were maybe three times that year that happened). That said, its definitely geographically specific as well as individually; I can imagine that in a suburban neighborhood like the one my parents live in, where street parking is free and widely available, parking and coming inside might be a nice thing to do (although its definitely not expected! Shes my full time carer and she has a job, so housework is one more stressor. Thanks guys. Show up with boyfriend to events that are pretty obviously not SO friendly (girls only brunches/nights out) Also, I dont really agree that there was a certain time when these things were normal and now its all changed. So glad youre not busy in the afternoon. You are getting the chills and feel like you want to go home with him. I wish I had pulled back way way in the beginning but I craved the friendship and closeness. But at this point (now that Im more confident with myself, which was the hardest thing) I dont feel obligated to invite All Members Of The Group but I also dont feel like I have to shepherd anyones feelings. Instead, find out what activities they like, and invite them to do something you both enjoy. Do no solicitations signs imply that friends cant knock? You get a girl's number and then do nothing with it! Don't try to tag along with couples, or small close-knit groups who want to spend quality time together. Well, then, I accept! Does she ever reciprocate, either by visiting you or by explicitly inviting you? When our tabletop gaming group was new to one another, I had a few bachelors who would show up at my place early. Getting her terrible twos out of the way while shes still two, like a boss! Theyre terribly nice like that they understand that it makes me uncomfortable, and so they dont put me in that position anymore. I never quite mastered the maintenance part of cleaning, so having people over is a BIG DEAL. I never got why they didnt tell him to go away, but I am clearly meaner than them. LW this stuff is very subjective. Some will even have the gall to ask if they can bring groups of their friends mind you, these are people Ive never met before in my life so that I can fucking host a group of strangers on my vacation! I too have been in a fairly fighty friendship that was often, like you say: wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. Answer: Fundamental Rule of Life: "Ask and ye [she]shall receive." But be careful what you ask for. The LW has correctly identified that there is a problem with this friend and is taking steps to fix it. And its also a problem you can fix, without awkwardness or hurt feelings. Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. I personally would have been thrilled if OP had dropped by to show off their new bike but clearly that doesnt work for their friend. These two used to be good friends who were easy with each other. True, it is rude to ask about money with new acquaintances, but this someone who had in the past gone over every detail of her budget with me and to whom Id loaned money and given money to so she could visit. [deleted] 11 yr. ago. I really resent it. It works pretty well . Im definitely a Guesser in the Ask vs. The distinction I was trying to awkwardly makie was that a drop-in visit deprives those people who enjoy the lead up to hosting of that lead up (whether it comes in the form of fancy soap, baking, the chance to make DIY napkin holders, etc.). and if someone who has acted like were the best of friends doesnt invite me to something i would have expected to be invited to, and then proceeds to talk about it non-stop in front of me and acts like were still super close? he had a lot of realities to manage. Heres the difference between your pet peeve and the pet peeve of the person youre replying to. logically it would! Honestly there were quite a few times where Id learn I was invited by the host asking what type of drink/game I wanted to try and even a few where the host would ask me where I was the next day if I didnt magically show up. It could also mean that he really enjoys your company and just wants to hang out. I dont understand it. ? And its always after the fact so by the time theyre talking about the next outing theyve forgotten all about how I used my words before, and Im just as uncomfortable inviting myself along as always. After some time, call him on the phone and act tipsy. You have probably found yourself in this situation a couple of times. I dont find that this crimps my social life at all, for what its worth. At the time we were both only working part time with some help from my student loans, and making an extra meal, possibly for all three of us, wasnt always a welcome expense. Ive ceased making overtures entirely, except for polite greetings when I see them out and about. and there are a few people at church Ive invited. And will happily cook a meal for unexpected guests because she enjoys doing it. Asking people not to do something theyre already doing is much more fraught territory than letting someone know its okay to do something theyre not doing. Like, weddings often include a cost per person and youre not going to suck up that cost for everyone and their dog just because they want to come. Oops, LW I just realised I misread that, and you are friends rather than workmates. Im not going to go out early to unlock the gate so they can come to my door especially when its -40C and icy outside, which it can be for months at a time here! Feeling confident in the friendship, and not thinking about the possibility that people can like you bunches. I have yet to learn to hide my confusion. They lived an hour and a half away. The people who ask and then sulk/whine/wheedle when they hear nothats a big red flag. I said yes! I didnt know what to do and chased after her. Your cousins tantrums are telling you something, here. Thank you! I just recently reconnected with a friends who I lost touch with because of our different expectations. She ended up getting invited to stuff a lotttt less, and then finally not at all for the better part of a year, because even if her boyfriend had been someone we liked being around (he wasnt) it was always a gamble that shed show up with him. Weve got a few errands to run, so how about if we drop by in about 30 minutes? that would be perfect. 3. OH GOD ME TOO. Maybe later in the week, like Thursday or something? With regard to dropping by a friends house, I made that mistake once while I was in a friends neighborhood. This is all excellent. From my perspective, THEY were the rude ones, just dropping by and then lingering.forever. Thats great if you have the time and the energy to do that. Exactly that last sentence. I never had anyone randomly search my room, but I too have privacy as a trigger (my issues growing up are a pale shadow of what you went through), and boy do I understand. Im not trying to maintain some front, Im not trying to look more together than I am. But only she knows why she reacted that way. Hey, Ill turn up between 8am and 6pm! Things have changed since I was young. Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. I apologize to the LW and to you for appearing critical. 1. understanding whether the feeling counts in reality or doesnt exist Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Single. Couple that with a dusty house due to old heating systems, three cats who I swear shed their entire body weight every week, anxiety and depression, and just having other stuff to do, well, my house does need a couple of hours of cleaning to get company-ready. I recognize that this is more my problem than theirs, but I like my budget! No problem Anna Sthetic, your comment was important too, I just wanted to put across another perspective. When you mention your leaky faucet or wonky DVR, and he offers to fix it, say yes and. However, I have partially solved this with my close friends by bravely using my words. But I also grew up with the unstated understanding that if you bump into your neighbors mowing the lawn or want to drop off a book and chat, you didnt hang around forever and expect them to re-schedule the afternoon. VIOLA PARADISE. Also works for anything else youve been asked to schedule in advance. I stopped by home between shifts and got the message, but they had already left home and it was before cell phones existed. How about you suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it impossible for him to say no. Britney: Were going out. Because theyre way closer friends with me than him. You feel ratty, harassed, and youre frantically trying to make it look as if you do pay more than rudimentary attention to the housework if only to stave of questions about whether youre coping. I didnt realise the combination of cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but Ive experienced it too. Secondly I don't think he would even look at you if he wouldn't like you. When I say Im going, Im not asking to be made to stay, I want to go freely (at this point Im thinking of my grandmother, wholl always start begging me to stay longer when Im just too tired already and having to negotiate my right to leave doesnt help). We were working adults with careers, although not particularly demanding ones. I can still say no of course, but it becomes rather rocky when it shouldnt have to. Without any advance notice to me, he would often invite along one or two other friends (of his, not mine). But I care. *deep breaths* Me and my best friend, whose kids are really close with my kids, have our kids on opposite weekends Theres often the necessity of figuring out Okay is {kid} at her moms this weekend or her dads? But I guess this goes hand in hand with another (also common in my social circles) practice, that of regularly making tentative plans that are never executed. If Im ok w/ them coming up, I will invite them (and they know it). Down. Its a shame, but its actually easier to break up from romantic relationships than from friendship ones. I mean, if someone said I was driving by but didnt want to drop by in case it was rude (or even if you said I saw you driving by, why didnt you say hello? and they said that was the reason) then you could reassure them that youd be happy for them to come by any time. sent a text saying they were in the neighbourhood and was it ok to drop by, that (as the Captain says) is totally not the same as inviting themselves over which is what the friend has accused them of. My parents put up with it because faaaaaaaaaaammmilyyyyyyyy. You didnt give that impression at all. This is even with close friends/my best friends! Day of, Ill send him a text asking hey is today still ok or should we reschedule. except when you dont think of the relationship the same way. Sorry if this doesn't work but it might. Sometimes people will ask me this less than two hours after the original making of the plan. Im getting married in a little over 4 weeks (OMG OMG 4 WEEKS PANIC!!!) Then shell stay for an hour and a half!! For me I think the drop-by depends on how lengthy and intrusive of a visit its going to be. - Inviting Myself Along DEAR INVITING MYSELF ALONG: I suspect 2. A random person? It is exactly what the Captain says about her not having the bandwidth to reach out to me so maybe I should just let it go but I miss her so much and I dont want to lose the connection. This is the more direct method. Certain people, certain times in my life, I have been 100% okay with showing up unannounced at their place and vice versa. Make sure you have everything you use every night but don't act like you're going on vacation for a week. Yeah the idea of being judged for passing through and not stopping and diverting your route to go see someone every time? The only difference I can tell between this and the bike incident is that it was about a bike and it would be me dropping by her home rather than office. Once, I answered the door, lights out, my girlfriend and I in pajamas and on drugs and, Im really high right now and was not expecting you, was not enough to deter about 45 minutes of awkwardly hanging around the living room answering curious questions mixed with small talk. I seem to decode unsolicited advice as a show of caring and a genuine interest in my needs. If someone is dropping by all the time I would get annoyed, and it makes me nervous about the friendship because of reasons I talk about below. I have a very polite no soliciting sign on the gate. This right here. Floordrobe! I wrote letters. I mean its not only that they arent invited, but theyre excluded from the conversation almost by default. Pick up stray underwear and small rolly toys that might result in a death if someone tripped over them? My mother always really, REALLY hated unexpected guests and visitors, and if someone showed up unexpectedly she would be icily polite until they left and then bitch about them for hours afterwards and for the following couple of days. Ive never considered this dilemma from this particular angle (already doing something vs. not doing something). Good question! Answer (1 of 6): "I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware that I'd issued an invitation. m Millie1992 Posted 23/12/14 Obviously different rules apply to best friends. If shes been increasingly distant, maybe theres something else going on. Speaking for myself, personally, a same day text or phone call that says Im going to be in your area, are you free to hang out later for a bit? from a friend is more than fine but an unannounced and unexpected knock on my door, like, Hi, Im already here here to hang out with you! is pretty strange. Im, uh, Im actually really glad youre seeing a counselor because there are several red flags in this comment that make me think he might have been emotionally abusing you. Im the same way. Also door-to-door scamsters, like the kind who would find my grandmother alone at home and give her a long high-pressure spiel about a fake charity until she wrote them a cheque for thousands of dollars. It shocked me when it happened I am an open-minded person! Its not some kind of moral failing. A lot of people have an opinion on whether it's okay for someone to invite themselves to an event or not. YES. Wow, hey, no, that was not a reasonable reaction on his part. Give him ample notice before the proposed hangout time. I think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. It feels like a Big Commitment to do complex scheduling on everything, whereas yo Im walking my dog down your street feels very, very low key to me. You must carefully gauge this and time the request with deft diplomacy. In my nMoms reality, faaaaaaaaaaaamily can just pop in any time of day or night, and call you whenever they like, too. captain awkward i found these tips really helpful, thank you . Maybe he honestly was en route to shower with rubber duckie and towel, but, well. The dropping by for a hug comes over as very needy. ). Apparently he was known for it, and it was about the only thing he was known for because hardly anyone actually knew him that well. I have a friend who has really bad social anxiety (which paired with my own anxiety is not always a fun time). I was going to post something about how poly relationships can make this complicated, but your post points out that a lot of that really does get contained in two-person relationships too. Oh, agreed! You don't want to seem desperate, more like you think it sounds interesting and may drop by, but if you can't come it's no big deal, and it wouldn't mortally offend you or anything. I MISS the days when people would stop by and you could invite them in or chat briefly on the stoop, as suited the homeowner side of the drop by. Maybe Im misinterpreting because I dont know the LW or her friend but it seems much more intense than to say hi. Actually, I think you really nailed it with !Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? Ill text you early next week and we can set something up., Them: I never get to see you. Christine Jones is an editor who likes to write about modern dating trends and dating tips. Ive run into a cultural problem with friends who, I think, want me to invite myself over: theyll describe an event like watching a movie at their place and express surprise that I wasnt there, but I never received an invitation or even knew that the event was taking place. If she mentions crashing another friends house, turn it around and suggest all three of you go . The closer someone is, the more I feel I can relax around them and the less trouble it feels to have them over unexpectedly. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. Go to a place with someone, or 2. have someone to MY place/where I am going. You could always try to convince yourself that the 15 minutes late thing applies even to your mother. Simply make one of the many delicious recipes you can find here. . I want to hang out, but Im not psychic! The best option is to talk to him about it, see what his expectations might be, and then decide what you are comfortable with. Not asking if the woman feels safe meeting at home. If youre her friend and she likes you, she actively enjoys unexpected knocks on the door and quick visits that end up taking the entire afternoon. I feel a bit more strongly than you about being someones hug person. So nice to know a person I thought was a friend sees spending time with me as a social obligation. Youre feeling chills and fantasizing about going home with him. But with more scheduling and perhaps busier roads and less societal tolerance for kids walking somewhere by themselves, maybe the amount of arranging that a kid can take on at a given age and ability level has decreased. And when I started to get actually good social advice (this was just the start), talking about feelings and thoughts and using your brain for meta-cognition about emotions turned out to be what most people thought of as really good communication not training wheels or compensation for lack of real communication skills, but a highly sought-after ability. Talking/texting/chatting with one member of a friend group every couple of days can pay great dividends on group events, I have found. Any self-respecting grownup should have mouthwash and face-wash readily available for exactly these types of situations (and hopefully for themselves on any other normal night). Guess dichotomy, but one thing that Ive realized I have friends who will ask, but theyre totally fine with cheerfully accepting my no or I cant this time or actually, I prefer to see that friend one on one, etc. Jesus Chris on a bike. Get a small to medium sized bag for your things. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. Id agree its worth checking in with your friend, LW, to say something like hey, I didnt mean to intrude the other day and Im sorry that I did. maybe shes going through something that has nothing to do with the LW and needs space from everyone! Never, under any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house EARLY. TL;DR: Even people within the same family, raised with the same social and cultural background and living in the same kinds of neighborhoods, people can have vastly different ideas about whether popping in with or without calling ahead first is OK. Thats what I mean. I mean if its my sister, then she can drop by anytime because if I was going to take a nap I will just say hey, I was about to take a nap, you know where the coffee, internet, tv remote is, see you in 45 minutes. If someone is going to turn up at my FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE err I mean apartment, I need to mentally prepare myself. The people I remain consistently close friends with for years are the type where we can ignore each other for two months and then pick up where we left off and have a good time, no hurt feelings. Not in the South. She enjoys learning about relationship and communication skills in order to develop her own and others' relationships. Even if you're turned down, the hosts will appreciate the gesture. [4] "You're all talk. Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. My parents chewed me out in the car when they came to get me for inviting myself over to someones home (which I was already in and had been asked if I wanted to stay). Ahaha. might no longer be. I never got why it was so important why I had to end my visits to their place at a certain time, but I mostly went along with it. Other friends, other rules. Her depression means that sometimes shit just doesnt get done, but her mental and physical health outweigh the need to vacuum or wash up. A lot. To dinner at not even my house, but my PARENTS house. Goodbye, next time call a day or two in advance and we can schedule something.. It would be ridiculous to never mention my aunt to my cousin just in case she were upset that I ever did something with aunt that didnt include her. Ill only use that one if I know that friend in question will be able to say no and we can laugh it off, and usually give an out. 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